Trust Your Structure

This morning, with some old friends and new by my side, we decided to hike a mile up a mountain to a fire tower that overlooked the mountains. We watched the sunrise from a vantage point much greater than the average life. Imagine hiking up a path as steep as stairs with rocks, sticks, bumps, mud and dirt in the dark for a mile. For that mile, our breath was heavy, our heartbeats quick, our conversation quiet and our sweat overtaking. But to say the view was astounding when we got up the fire tower would be an injustice to the beauty of the Lord.

As we sat on the landing of the fire tower, I found myself gripping the railing. White knuckles, tensed arms and all. Stories high and mountains below, I gripped the rail as if it would protect me from the fear I was experiencing. While the beauty was there, the fear was encompassing. Structural heights are a fear that I can't quite grasp. I love to fly. There is nothing about the flight that scares me. But you put me a couple stories high when I can see the ground through the grates of the surface I'm standing on and my heart starts racing.

Yet, it is unjustified. I had no trust in my structure. My trust was in my grip on the railing. The same situation is applicable to my walk with the Lord. I don't always trust the structure of the Lord's promises. I frequently rely on my own path, trusting that it will bring me the peace and joy that I am searching for.

But I am horribly wrong. When I let go of that rail, I was able to put my complete trust in the structure. Instead, my focus shifted to the sunrise. And it was infectious. The faint pink glow the sun illuminated turned into a pale orange that spread 360 around the tower.

The day grew brighter and brighter, spreading light on every mountain and valley in eyesight.

It was the Lord.

In your walk with the Lord, if you are willing to let go of the grip you have on your own life and trust in the structure of the Lord, you will experience a beauty far beyond words. The mountains and valleys will still be there. They won't just magically disappear because of your trust in the Lord. Rather, the Lord will shine a light on them much brighter than the sun that will help guide you through the valleys and above the mountains. The Lord is just wonderful like that. He loves us like that. He didn't promise us an easy life, but He did promise to be a light through it all.

How wonderful is the Lord?!

Trust in the structure of the Lord. He will never fail you.

As we descended the fire tower, taking in every moment of beauty possible, an old friend stated, "I think we've just been granted another day." That, my friend, is beyond true.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

IMMERSION: It's Time

In six months, I will pack into a backpack that I will call my home for the next six months.

I heard a quiet tap on my heart but it was so soft that I sang a little louder to drown it out. But the louder I sang, the more pronounced the tap became. Then one day, I was completely silent. All I heard was continual soft gentle taps on my heart. That’s when the Lord whispered, “Sarah, it’s time to answer me. You must go.”

That complete silence happened for me in the middle of May. I prayed for the Lord to send someone else. The enemy kept nagging in my ear, “Sarah, you can’t leave your family behind after what happened. How dare you think about abandoning them?” But the good Lord kept whispering, “Sarah, serve me. You aren’t leaving your family. They will be safe in my arms, Sarah.”

That’s when the conversations began. I talked to my dear friends, to my mom, and to the staff at Experience Mission. And then I prayed. On a Friday evening, I prayed and pleaded to the Lord to provide me with some peace about the decision to go. When I woke up on Saturday, I was clothed in peace. I had never felt so settled about a decision in my life.

The next part went very quickly and after meetings with references, an application and a video interview, I found myself accepted to my team.

In six months, I will pack into a backpack that I will call my home for the next six months. I will be a member of the Caribbean Immersion team through Experience Mission. On January 8^th, I will travel to Fort Wayne, IN to meet my team and undergo a couple days of training. We will then travel to Harlem in New York City to do three weeks of local service before we embark on the remainder of our journey. The next six months will be spent in Haiti, Jamaica, and Belize, where we will live with host families and immerse ourselves in the local culture.

I am beyond excited to serve the Lord in a new, unfamiliar and uncomfortable way. I am ready for the Lord to convict my heart and take me to new depths. I hope that you will join me in praying for my preparation for this trip. If you would like to financially support me, you can do so easily through my fundraising page.

experiencemission.org/sponsor/sarahvain

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. “For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.” I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.
Isaiah 61

The Lord is SO beyond good, y’all. 

When You've Only Got One

Andy gets up in the early hours of the morning and puts on her tennis shoes. She pays careful attention to her laces as she is tying them, cautious to make sure each is pulled taught. Bunny ears and all, Andy hits the road. She has decided that she is taking this journey called life by foot today and begins taking her first steps for the long trek. 

The path Andy is on is smooth. It is a dirt path with a fine grit, not a single stone to be found. As the early morning progresses, the path begins to change and take shape. At this point in the path, there is a pebble here or there that may cause a small stumble for Andy. However, she walks with ease. 

All of the sudden, Andy looks down and notices that where her left tennis shoe was once precisely and perfectly tied, is a bare foot with all flaws exposed. The lone hair on her big toe, the freckles across the top of her foot and her chipped purple nail polish are all revealed. 

Confused and without choice, Andy keeps walking. 

Pebbles continue to appear on the path, covering the dirt. Andy continues to walk. Her bare foot steps and then her tennis shoe. On and on and on. However, as the path develops, the smooth pebbles turn to gravel. The once completely smooth path is now rugged and rough. The bottom of Andy's sensitive foot begins to ache. Each step on the left foot shoots a sharp pain up her leg. As she continues on, Andy begins to put more weight on her right foot. Utilizing the comfort and support from her tennis shoe, the pain from the left slightly subsides. 

With each step, Andy's left foot, while sensitive and sore, is beginning to form callouses. Andy's right foot, while full of support and strength, is growing tired. Finding a strong balance while walking is a struggle. Wanting to fully rely on the remaining tennis shoe, Andy is finding that it is placing strain on the rest of her body. The tough skin developing on the bottom of her left foot is helping her to walk a little more normal. However, Andy is fully aware that without her other tennis shoe, she will always be more reliant and dependent upon her right shoe. 

Andy may wish that she has two tennis shoes, but she's only got one. When you've only got one of something that often comes in twos, you learn two things: how to develop tough skin and reliance upon availability. 

I use Andy and her tennis shoes to truly explain how grateful I am for my mother. I wish I had two parents. But I've learned that it's okay that I don't. I've developed tough skin on my left. But on my right, I have learned just how much I can rely on my mom. She is full of more support than any tennis shoe on the market. The comfort she provides will never fade away. It is hard to be a mother. It is hard to be a mother of five children. (We know we aren't easy....) But it is even harder to be a mother to five children who lost their father. 

__________

Mom, I don't think that any amount of words could ever tell you how appreciative we are of you. Thank you for letting me cry in your bed, crash on your sofa, borrow your clothes and eat all of your food when it just felt like too much to go live off on my own. Thank you being strong enough when all of us aren't. Thank you, mom, for being you. I wouldn't have picked any other one if I had the choice. I love you. 

Finding Home

I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well. Psalm 139:14  

Home 4a: a place of origin

Origin 2a: rise, beginning, or derivation of a source

Sundy Best sings a song called "Home." I couldn't count on one hand the number of times that song was sang this past weekend. As this past weekend has come to a close, I reflect on all the wondrous times shared, but settle on one distinct moment of passing. The last time "Home" played, I looked over at my best friends and realized I didn't want them to go home. I wasn't ready for them to leave this physical place. Home, simplistically, is the place from which we come. On the surface, that comes off as a location: a point on this earth to which we are physically attached. However, home is so much more. As the cliche goes, "home is where the heart is." Your heart can be physically attached to the location on which you are standing or it can be found in the physical location of others.

It is in these other individuals that my true home has been identified. A lot of curbs have plopped at my feet recently. Tears have become a common part of my day and acceptance of the unknown is essentially inevitable and nearly natural. Through this, I have found ambition to grasp the positive in early single day. I strive to nourish that to allow it to flourish for a complete harvest. Even so, that harvest isn't manageable alone. It takes special individuals to help in that process and unfortunately I wasn't able to find them all right next door. This is because the home that is often attributed to a single location is not inclusive of the heart. It doesn't take into account that my heart isn't held solely within myself. The good Lord, our source of life, has given us a heart that can't be contained.

It took me nearly 20 years to find the home of my heart. I don't and won't ever understand why my home is spread up to seven hours away from me between a handful of individuals. What I do understand, finally, is that they are my home. I am SO beyond thankful for the home that I have found. After numerous prayers of pleading for God to give me joy in my valley, this home has given it to me through Him. My prayers have shifted to eternal prayers of thanks for this home that will never leave me.

When you spread the wings of your heart, your home will fly right into it. Keep them open and your home will multiply. And when your ready, fold them up and your home will never leave.

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. Ephesians 1:16 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

-----
To you, my dear friends:
Thank you for being my shoulders, my joy and my home. I will always and forever be grateful for your beautiful, God-shining souls. It is never goodbye, inevitably a see you later.
Love you always,
Sarah
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A Kiss from an Angel

A month and a day can do a lot for a soul. They can fill it with joy or they can flood it with sorrow. When there's a hole in your heart, it is so easy to let the flood waters in. I have striven to put only joy in my heart this past month. I have surrounded myself with friends who shower me with love and family that is always constant. Sometimes it is the little things, like spontaneous trips to the south, that fill your heart the most. I have realized how absolutely special this life is that we live. I never want to spend a moment without the people I cherish knowing their value and worth in my life. If there is one hard lesson I learned from my losing my dad, it's that no bad fight is ever worth it. The only fight I will fight is for the good, the important, the valuable.

You don't realize how precious and special things in life are until they aren't anymore. My dad was an intentional person. When I woke up this Valentine's Day, there wasn't a box of chocolates or a kiss waiting for me at the table. My dad was and will always be my first love. Nothing, not even death, can take that away. While he won't be leaving little gifts or telling me how much he loves me, he will be showering me with love from above.

This year I woke up differently on day that was full of love. 

With the flu in my body and sorrow on my heart, I heard a whisper from above. 

It said my dear sweet child, don't you worry about today. 

The love that's here in heaven is much greater than any gray. 

As the good Lord wrapped his arms tight around my heart, 

my forehead felt a gentle kiss, one without a start. 

Heaven gained my father a month ago plus one,

but his love is still abounding in more ways than just the sun. 

The stars twinkle nightly with a reminder to have no fear, 

two of the most important men above still find me so dear. 

So whenever I get sad that my Valentine is gone, 

I remember that the days go on

and that my forehead will always be brushed by my angel from above. 

There is no greater love than that of a Valentine from heaven. The emptiness that I sometimes find is covered by an immeasurable love from above. Although my dad will never be here physically and while this was the first of many new firsts, his presence is always abounding and always brushing my forehead. Every pretty sunrise, every beautiful sky, breathtaking sunset and astounding star are just the simplest ways God reminds me that they are here and they will be here every day. 



The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18

Life & Chocolate

Forrest Gump once sat on a bench in Chippewa Square. While the character is fictional and the bench is gone, the words that were spoken by him are long-lasting.

"My mama always said life was like a box chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

As I sat on a makeshift bench in the square holding only a box of tissues, I realized how this statement couldn't be closer to the truth. Almost indefinitely, things on the outside always look clean and perfect. But on the inside, you don't know what you're gonna find.

Think of it this way:
It's Wednesday. You are trying to get through a week that seems to be dragging on and on. You come home to a box of chocolates on the table. The thought of that box of chocolates brings about decadent joys and unexpected happiness. Maybe your box is purple with flowers on it or red with hearts, but whatever it is, it's your favorite color and pattern. It was gifted to you by someone who cares so much about you that they put careful detail into making sure it was exactly what you wanted. You sit at the table and open up the box. You notice that there is no flavor guide to be found, so you test your luck and go for the one that you are hoping is filled with caramel in the center. As you go in for that first bite, your mouth is watering and your tastebuds are jumping for joy. But then it hits you. You can't quite place the taste, but your senses are overwhelmed with raisins, rum and dark chocolate. Bitterness burns through your body. Even though you hoped with all your might that you were going to get that perfect caramel chocolate, you didn't. And even though you knew that it was testing your luck to take a bite into a mysterious piece, you did it anyways. Because hypothetically, you've had a rough day and there isn't anything else that could go wrong. Logically, you know that that couldn't be further from the truth, but your brain tricks you into believing that the bad, the yucky, the unfortunate are over.

So as I am sitting in Chippewa Square, holding only my box of tissues, I reflect on the words of Forrest Gump. Most importantly, I reflect on the weekend I've had and the unexpected twists and turns that it took. Then I reflect on my life. The piles of bad that have building and building that I have striven to find a blessing in have hit an all time high. And then I begin to think: my life is just like that box of chocolates that are so famously referred to. As a matter of fact, everyone has a life that is a box of chocolates. For some people, they are fortunate enough to bite into that decadent piece of caramel chocolate after a dreary day, but for many others, myself included, the bite is into bitterness.

I reflect on my Florida trip and I see it is a blessing. While I still don't understand why I was hours and miles away from my family, I know that I was surrounded by a completely different type of family. For me, it's kind of funny to look at how everything unfolded. I always knew I would be the one to find my dad or be the one sitting with him in the hospital room when he took his last breath or be the first one to know because I was the emergency contact. I knew that without a doubt. And I had a plan for each scenario. I knew exactly who I would call and in what order. I knew who was going to drive me if I was on campus or at home or the store. I knew how I would respond and everything that would be done. Except I wasn't the one to find him, Hope was. I wasn't the one there when he took his last breath, the angels were. I wasn't the first one to know, Erica and Alan were. I didn't call anyone to come pick me up and drive me anywhere. I didn't do anything on my list in any order that I had planned. And that is a God thing.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Instead, I looked down at my phone to numerous missed phone calls and texts and my gut knew. But my brain couldn't process. When I walked back into a room full of what was a handful of close friends and a plethora of strangers, I was greeted with open arms. No words were uttered out of my mouth. It was the people who truly knew my heart that read the expression on my face and knew. Yet, when I walked out of dinner that night, I gained a plethora of new family members.

When I got on an airplane that Friday morning, I was beyond excited to see my friends from Georgia. Everyone knew it. I ran to them with open arms when I saw them for the first time in months. My backpack slammed to the ground, my body sprinted and somewhere in between, my phone went down. I was filled with joy. At the beginning of my trip, my box of chocolates was full of caramel. In my mind, there was absolutely nothing that could take away each precious moment shared with my best friends. Dad was healthy, he was on the up. There was nothing to worry about. But that evening, when I went for a piece of chocolate, it was bitter. But it was bittersweet. Because those who surrounded me and prayed over me covered my sorrow-filled heart with a drizzle of caramel. And as the trip continued, they drizzled and drizzled and drizzled.
And by the last hours, as I was sitting on that makeshift bench with a box of tissues, I finally understood Forrest Gump.
I didn't go on that trip thinking I was going to get a piece of chocolate filled with raisins, rum and dark chocolate. I didn't think that cat-dog would contain a single member of my support system when it happened. I honestly thought that after the years of gross chocolates, my box was only full of good, even if only for a little bit. But the Lord always takes our plans and reminds us that He is in control.

I am so grateful for each person who drizzled caramel on my heart while I was in Florida. Because now that I look at my box, even though I don't know what I am going to get in its entirety when I pick up the next piece of chocolate, I know that I am going to get a drizzle of caramel with every piece. My box will never be pure and full of only caramel. No one's box ever will be. But maybe now, just maybe, we are truly on the up. While the grieving and healing are indescribable, the little joys are not.

I can't explain in words how much it means to me that I am being covered, not only by the good Lord, but my family and even more so, my friends. This year started in a way that I would have never imagined, but it is only the beginning.

I am a new person; each of us are new people after my dad's passing. But the new me is a jar full of hope and a bottle of caramel. I strive to pour into other's boxes of chocolates as they have poured into mine. There is absolutely no way of knowing what you are going to bite into, but know that I have drizzled a little bit of caramel on the tops of each piece in your box so that in the bad, the ugly, the unexplainable, there is some sweet, some happiness, some joy.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her! Luke 1:45 

So do not fear, of I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Phillipians 4:11 

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Luke 12:25

A Loss for Words

Right now, it's 1 in the morning and I am sitting in the hallway of a hotel in Florida. My awesome college has afforded me the opportunity to attend a wonderful leadership conference down here in the deep south. I am thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people at such a hard time.
Earlier this evening we went to a dinner sponsored by Dow. I flipped my phone over and vowed not to look at it for the evening. When dinner finished, I flipped my phone over to a screen full of missed calls from every one of my siblings and my mom. Before I even returned a call, I knew what had happened.
Dad had passed.
It's funny how we have a gut feeling like that.
It's not funny when it's true.

I walked down the stairs and immediately asked Hope the question. As she was answering, I wandered back up the stairs and found myself standing in the middle of a room full of some of my best friends and tons of strangers. It took eye contact with only one of my friends for each of them to know what had happened. I heaved and they stood up from the table and embraced me. I ventured right back down those steps and sat on a bench. A lady I was yet to meet, sat down and prayed with me. The Lord will be with me through it all.

I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life that are constantly embracing me and my struggles. They take my burdens without complaint and help carry a portion so I don't have to bear as much.

The thing is, I still can't believe it.

I am so glad that my dad is no longer struggling. He is free. I know it will be okay. The Lord will guide and protect us every step of the way. I need to find contentment in the situation. I will find contentment.

For those who may be wondering, I have decided to stay for the remainder of my conference. Going home won't bring my dad back, it would just take me away from this fantastic opportunity. He would want me to stay.

So, as I am sitting in this hallway, I have tons of room numbers I could easily go knock on and tons of phone numbers I could simply call. But I have decided to spend some alone time with the Lord. This is part of His plan and I may not understand it, but it is what it is.


For those of you wondering how you can help our family, we don't need casseroles or gift cards, we need prayers. Prayers for strength and healing and power to overcome. Each one of us is struggling. But we will overcome.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.

A Year at Large

2016 was quite a year. A year full of tears and a year full of heartbreak and struggle. Despite all of the nasty, terrible things that happened, the Lord was sovereign through it all. He brought phenomenal people into my life that I have leaned on every single day. When I thought the days were bad and there was no sight of joy, the Lord blessed me with a new friend. Even as I am facing some of what I hope to be the toughest days of my years, I smile now more than ever. The people in my life make me smile. I am eternally grateful for each and every individual that has crossed my path. I am forever blessed because my heart has been touched by these individuals. There is no words that will ever  quite adequately summarize this year. Instead, I think it will be easiest to reflect back on each month as a moment. 

January:
I went to Arizona for my first Ambassador Leadership Summit. I was able to see the Grand Canyon, taste In-N-Out, and get the perfect cacti picture. I met my soul sister, Sarah Jane, from the University of Georgia.

February:
I went to the National Farm Machinery show as a representative of the College of Agriculture, Food and Environment. Instead of teaching others about our university, I was taught by others the specific details and small things that makes the farming industry so successful.
I danced in my second DanceBlue marathon. I was able to stand united with nearly a thousand students from my university to take a stand against pediatric cancer.

March:

I pretended to be Ron and his chili won the cook-off.... Probably because I convinced everyone it was delicious, even though I never tried it.
I celebrated my 20th birthday.
My sweet, beautiful middle schoolers placed 3rd at championships. They were a fun and silly group.
My ninja turtle, bad guy lovin' stud of a nephew, Preston, turned 3. Love that little boy.
I celebrated Easter in my old church and got to see my beautiful friend, Abby.

April:
Ag Awareness Day 2016 was a smashing success. It brought me sweetly closer to my dear friend, Elizabeth.
I got to speak in front of hundreds of students at Ag Field Day. 
I got really close to my organic chemistry excel class. My beautiful friend Alyssa and I will be roomies in the fall.
My darling nephew, Walton, turned 1.
My gorgeous sister, Hope, went to prom and celebrated her 17th birthday.
I presented my research at the UK Showcase of Undergraduate Scholars.

May:
I attended the Ag Ambassadors banquet. We celebrated a fantastic year of service, said goodbye to our graduating seniors and hello to our new ambassadors.
My sunshine Alaina turned 5. It has been a wonder watching her learn and grow. 
I celebrated the beautiful graduate, Katie. 

June:
I cried at Erica's softball banquet. She has grown and matured into an astounding young lady. I am so proud of her. 
My parents filed for divorce. 
I got to be a camp counselor for the Institute of Future Agricultural Leaders. I will forever cherish the memories made. I can't wait to see the amazing things that these kids do when they graduate this year. I got to meet Super Saver, a Derby winner, and have a baby cow suck on my hand. I scaled a high ropes course and screamed on the free fall down. 
My beautiful Alicia turned 23. 
I went to Maryland. I held a live crab & then ate him. I had an ultimate sleepover part something. 

July:
I got to swim in the bay for the first time. 
I went to Assateague and swam with the ponies.
I celebrated the 4th of July at Mom-mom's and earned my nickname, "Mommy Sarah." 
We got poured on at the carnival. 
We woke up at 5am and went out on the boat with Pop-pop two days in a row. I found my first arrowhead!! The boat trailer broke. We spent a couple hours on the side of the road fixing it. 
I went to Hershey and designed my own candy bar. I got pulled back into a secret taste testing with Erica. Turns out we helped design Hershey's new candy bar. 
Sweet Erica turned 15.
I hung out with my sweet little cousins and spent two weeks at the beach doing nothing but relaxing.  

August:
I attended peer mentor training at Adventure Life Camp. It poured, but we rock climbed and zip-lined anyways. 
My dad tried to take his life. 
I learned the hardships of the psychiatric ward. 
I moved out and into my first apartment. 
I went to ambassador retreat and kept trying to get across the dirt on the rope. I fell down every single time. We laughed so hard. 
I became the greatest of friends with Sara. Sara(h) squared became a thing. 
I went to the Lexington Preview Night. I tried to persuade Hope to SeeBlue. 
I went to the Louisville Preview Night. We got poured on every time we got out of the car. I learned that the feed store is a restaurant with phenomenal barbecue. 

September:
We went to the Pikeville Preview Night and climbed into a fake bear exposure. We snapped a picture with a honey bear. 
I learned that kids think differently at a cooking class. Two halves may make a whole, but they also make a sandwich. 
I showed up to my mom's for dinner. It turns out we were wearing the exact same outfit. 

October:
I went to a pop-up Luke's Diner. My life was complete. 
My parents' divorce became official. 
Ag RoundUp 2016 was a smashing success. We had tons of fun, even though we were hungry and had to wait forever to eat.
I went to National FFA Convention in Indianapolis. I got to see SARAH JANE!!! She introduced me to another one of my dear friends, Jordan. The Sara(h) Squad became a thing. My heart was full and happy as I was surrounded by all of my friends on the most stressful day of the year.
My dad had his first ETC. He didn't remember much, like where the state of Indiana was. 
I went to Wallace Station with my sweet Sara. It was delicious and a much needed girl day. 
I was initiated into Gamma Sigma Delta, the College of Ag honor society. 
I went to a bonfire with the rest of the coordinated program and had a blast. I carved an awful pumpkin and lost the competition. 

November:
I gave my sweet Alaina and Preston their quilts that I worked on all summer. 
I got to meet Colmon Eldridge: what a phenomenally inspiring man.
I went to the scholarship banquet for the college. I didn't get to meet my donor, but met some other phenomenal donors. 
I threw on an apron and mashed some potatoes for Thanksgiving. 

December:
I made some pancakes, FTK. 
I made my first fire.... Then set off the fire alarm. 
Celebrated Sara feelin' 22! 
I attended the ambassador Holiday party with my darling Elizabeth. 
I went to graduation and celebrated darling Elizabeth being the student speaker. I loved seeing her and Madison celebrate a monumental accomplishment. 
I took a couple trips up to Maryland for the holiday season. I got to be "Mommy Sarah" again. 
Big bro Christian turned 26. Wow. 
W celebrated Christmas in style with our matching Christmas pajamas. 
We spent New Years Eve at my Aunt Kelly's house. I got to bathe sweet Annalynne. Finished the year off watching the ball drop surrounded by many parts of my sweet, sweet family. 

Oh what a blessed year. 

Thank the Lord. 

He is good. 

An Attitude of Gratitude

Sometimes life gets hectic and it gets crazy and we forget to tell the ones we love & cherish that we value them and that they are important. Oh how lucky are we to have a whole day dedicated to being gracious for the big things, the small things, the insignificant things, the influencers, the mentors! Today, on Thanksgiving, we get to take this whole day to say an extra thanks. How special is that???!

Take today to say thank you to every single person who has impacted you, who has touched your heart and made you smile. 

Let your graciousness radiate through your kind words and warm smiles. 

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. Regardless of the petty arguments and bickering that always seems to somehow arise, the day itself holds something undeniably special in my heart. 

We have a nationally recognized holiday that allows us to spend a whole day being thankful. When everything in your life seems to be falling down and you find yourself festering on the negatives, you are brought back to reality and forced to think about the things that you have to be thankful for. 

I will be the first to tell you that it is so easy to find something to gripe about. My dad is sick, both physically and mentally, and this is our first holiday with our parent's officially divorced. Things at home are rough and that's something that I used to always find myself getting down about. Yet, the past couple of weeks, an idea that was first presented at Bible study, has become the motto of my life.  

Live life with an attitude of gratitude. 

On the surface, it sounds so easy. I am grateful for food to eat, a place to live and a car to drive. But that wasn't gratitude- that was monotony. It is so easy to be happy and thankful for the easy things in life. It is extremely difficult and challenging to find joy and graciousness for the hard things in life. However, it is when you switch your life to a thought process of living with an attitude of gratitude and truly embodying that motto that you will find true and unrelenting joy. 

The thing is, you can't do it alone. 

You must rely on God and ask him to help you find the true purpose behind every valley that is in your life. He isn't going to tell you why you are going through each struggle, but He is going to show you that there is a lesson to be learned out of each of them. Rely on God and you will begin to find true joy in your life. There is a couple of verses that I always saturate myself with when I am asking God to open my eyes and I genuinely hope that you will begin to take them to heart. 

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.
Psalm 48:14 

Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up.
James 4:10 

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.
1 Peter 2:1 

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-12

Fall onto God and he will fulfill you. Try to live a life that is always forgiving and ever-cherishing. Remember that you can always clean up a mess but you can't clean up bad memories. Try to create good memories by taking each moment graciously. Laugh a little bit more, especially when you feel like crying. Find the good in everything. Live in today. Don't ever wish for a different tomorrow because it is today and today is okay. Be thankful for what you have today. Not what you want tomorrow. But in the end, pray to God. You will find the truest joy when you begin to rely on him. 

I urge you, please, live your life with an attitude of gratitude. 

Be Passionate. Be Humble. Be Knowledgeable.

Today I had the honor of attending the Inaugural Kentucky Hunger Dialogue. While I clearly learned a lot about the fight to end hunger on a global, national, and local level, I learned a whole lot more about what it means to be an influential person. 

The keynote speaker of the event was Colmon Elridge. He planted a seed in me that validated the goals that I have created for myself. I have never been so inspired yet cried so much within a 15 minute period. 

Colmon is a very respectable and inspiring man. While he spoke greatly about his personal story, he was very real with crowd. I am finding it very difficult to put into exact words the impact that Colmon had on me today. He got real. He spoke truthfully. And I related- not to every aspect of his story, but specific moments in his life brought up distinct memories of moments in mine. Moments in my life that I had yet to figure out how I could use to help others. But now I see it and I finally understand. 

My desire to help youth in the middle school age range stems from my past. It comes from a sixth grader, with a Staples box and bowl of crab and shrimp alfredo. While the explicit details of them is not important, it is important to focus on the age. In sixth grade, my life was changing along with the world around me. The moment when I was most vulnerable, I sought out a mentor, a teacher, a friend that I could look up to. I can't say that I found one. 

I say all this because it comes back to one main point that I pulled out from Colmon's speech: in whatever you are passionate about, do it humbly and without seeking honor. Do it all for a reason and know why. 

Be passionate: find something you care about and care about it whole-heartedly. I care about youth. I care about middle schoolers. I spend my time serving them especially through my time as their color guard instructor. I plan to spend my life serving them. 

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.  

Proverbs 20:5

Be humble and don't seek honor: do what you do because you are passionate. Don't let your drive be to win the vote of others or to be honored with the highest award. Be humble in all that you do. 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.   

Phillipians 2:3-4 

Be knowledgeable: do it all for a reason and know why. I want to help youth because I want to be that mentor, that role model, that friend that I once sought out. I want to help those who don't have someone to be there encouraging them. My goal is to impact the lives of youth. 

Let all that you do be done in love.  

1 Corinthians 16:14

Colmon said what I have always believed: change the world for somebody. You do not have to make a large, lasting impact that the whole world recognizes. Making life better for one person is a success. 

In whatever you, do it because you care. 

Be passionate. Be humble. Be knowledgeable. 


Thank you, Colmon. You are an inspiration to far more than you will ever realize. Thank you for reigniting my fire and helping to validate my passions. Thank you for using your bad for good. Your story will forever change the lives of others. Thank you. 

A Sandwich

Lately I have found myself questioning a lot of God's work in my family. Why is God doing all these things when I never asked for them? Why does God have me carrying a burden on my shoulders that no one else quite understands? How is it that I am having to analyze life or death when the rest of my friends are contemplating whether to go out to dinner or study a little bit more? At what point did I ask God for this and why does it keep continuing on? 

I have been faced with a lot of tough decisions in the past two months that I would never hope for someone to have to face. Even though the decisions are no longer being made, I am still battling the outcomes. Every night I question what my next steps should be to prepare or what other steps I can take to make the situation dissipate. 

I had a conversation with one of my dearest friends the other night and although it was brief, it was a great reminder that this is all out my hands. When I asked, "What do I do? What can I do?" my friend simply responded with "Pray." What he didn't know was that I had been avoiding prayer the past week or so because I was angry. I am definitely guilty of getting angry at God for not answering my prayers. I can't tell you the number of times that I have wanted to just quit. Sometimes I have, clearly. It feels easier to just not pray than to pray really hard and not get the outcome I want. I needed the reminder from my friend to keep going. That one simple word can mean so much but can also be forgotten in times of sorrow. But God doesn't want that for us. God wants us to pray diligently and listen with ears unclogged to hear every word that he has to speak to us. 


Reflecting on the past weeks and the lessons I have learned, I want to share two important points.

The first is that God knows the outcome of everything. 
The devotional I use had a passage in it the other night from 1 Peter that spoke on denying God, but that was not the point that stood out to me most. The moment that Peter remembers what God had said to him earlier in the day was the point that I realized that God already has my plan, regardless of what I want to believe. 

Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”Then seizing him, they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance. And when some there had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down with them. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said, “This man was with him.”But he denied it. “Woman, I don’t know him,” he said.A little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.”“Man, I am not!” Peter replied.About an hour later another asserted, “Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean.”Peter replied, “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.Luke 22:34, 54-62

Jesus knew that Peter was going to deny him, even though Peter disagreed. Yet, at the end of the day, Peter still denied Jesus three times. How bold to know that God can see the outcome of every situation.
When you find yourself wanting to predict the future, know that God already knows the outcome. Take comfort in knowing that you don't need to stress about what is going to happen because God has  already done that for you.


The second is that God may answer our prayers differently than we hoped.

A couple weeks ago I was teaching a cooking class at a local elementary school. To tie in an extra educational aspect, we doubled the recipe to allow the kids practice with multiplication skills. Since the group ranged from 3rd to 5th grade, some kids were not as confident at multiplying fractions as others. They were trying to figure out how to double a half a teaspoon. To put it into perspective, I used a piece of bread as an example. Using my hands, I pretend each one was a half a piece of bread. I asked them, "what do you get if you put a half a piece of bread with another half a piece of bread?" and then I used my hands to demonstrate the halves coming together. The answer I was looking for was a whole piece of bread, but one young boy very excitedly answered, "A SANDWICH!" We all got a great laugh out of it and they did all learn that two halves makes a whole, so doubling a half a teaspoon would make one whole teaspoon. Not to mention, I learned something else that afternoon. Kids are a great reminder that even if it is not your answer, it isn't wrong.

So even though God had not answered my prayers like I want him too, it doesn't mean that his answers are wrong. In fact, his answers are more than right. They are righteous. 


I have to continually remind myself that God has a greater plan that is out of my hands. When I find myself stressing about his plan, I am reminded that it is always right. 
God is always right. 

 

Loss for Words

I have known for a while that I've needed to write a post. There is so much that I feel like needs to be said, but I find myself at a loss for words when it comes to appropriately detailing the events of my life. Each moment is a story and an individual post in and of itself, but for most of the topics, I have yet to find the maturity and knowledge to write about them. Simply said- God is still scripting those aspects of my life and I am not quite sure how He wants me to use them to help others. What I do know is that every trial and hardship that I am facing is part of a much bigger plan that God has for me.

Through times of chaos and confusion, I often find myself with my nose in God's Word. Last night, that ended up being my True Images Bible from middle school- which is definitely geared towards middle schoolers. Even so, stories about the now simplistic issues that I faced during that time in my life are a big reminder that many things appear to be a bigger deal at the time than they actually are.

That lesson is something that I wish resounded with me more often than it currently does. If I was able to continually remind myself that all things would be okay, I truly believe I would be less stressed and not as overwhelmed. The issue with today's society, and especially with myself, is that it is so set on trying to specifically map every aspect of a plan. I continually struggle with trying to figure out what God's plan is for me instead of just letting it happen. I find myself trying to connect dots that don't even exist. This is something that I am regularly struggling with, but always working on.

The dots of this post sporadically come and go and I am struggling to make each piece of what God is telling me to write come together. As I first stared at this blank post, I picked up my secondary devotion and began to read todays devotional, which was oddly titled First Aid. The passage focused only on Psalms 147:3, although Psalms 147:3-5 resounded greatly with me.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. 
Psalms 147:3-5

Fittingly, the post read:

"If you need healing and comfort after bruises sustained in this world, allow God's tender, loving care to soothe your pain." -Cheri Cowell, 365 Devotions for Peace 

Which I believe I truly needed to hear tonight. Isn't it crazy how God places the perfect devotional in your life just when you need it the most? I was reminded that it is okay to be broken and feel lost at times because God's lap will always be there as a comforter.

"Through your tears, watch as He pulls out His first-aid kit; it contains all you need to experience comfort and feel at peace."-Cheri Cowell, 365 Devotions for Peace 

God will always be there, no matter how hard or how low we've fallen. The biggest thing that I think I have learned these past couple of weeks is that no matter how much I worry, it isn't going to change my situation. One of my favorite verses, Luke 12:25, has repeatedly been echoing in my head.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?
Luke 12:25

It speaks of such a great truth that I find myself always needing to remember. Worrying and stressing about my schoolwork and exams or about what is going on at home isn't going to make the situation any better. The best I can do is pray and ask God for comfort and solace in my times of need.

I have felt like when I need it the most, God places good reminders of how great of a life I have in my path, regardless of my current situation. In addition to His constant reminders that are found in His word, I have found great comfort in music. In the song Sparrows, Jason Gray sings two lines that always stand out to me:

You can't add a single day by worrying, you'll worry you're life away. Oh, don't worry your life away.

If He can hold the world, He can hold this moment.

Both of these lines in particular stand out to me as great reminders of God's grace. Through all things, God is there to hold us in our struggles.

So, while I may currently be struggling to find the right words to describe the hardships of my life, I am able to share that God is still here. He is still scripting my life in ways that I am unable to see and comprehend, but are meaningful nonetheless.

I recently told a great friend that I hear God most when I am blogging. Every line that I write flows straight from the lips of God. When I feel lost in my faith, I try to make the time to share my story. I have to say that this post was the hardest post I have written. Not because it was extremely personal or saddening, but because I was struggling to hear God talking to me. So thank you for allowing me to share with you all in a moment where I felt at a loss for words because my ears were blocked. Sometimes all it takes is some music, a candle, a devotional, a couple Bibles and quiet time with God to really hear what he wants to say.