An Attitude of Gratitude

Sometimes life gets hectic and it gets crazy and we forget to tell the ones we love & cherish that we value them and that they are important. Oh how lucky are we to have a whole day dedicated to being gracious for the big things, the small things, the insignificant things, the influencers, the mentors! Today, on Thanksgiving, we get to take this whole day to say an extra thanks. How special is that???!

Take today to say thank you to every single person who has impacted you, who has touched your heart and made you smile. 

Let your graciousness radiate through your kind words and warm smiles. 

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. Regardless of the petty arguments and bickering that always seems to somehow arise, the day itself holds something undeniably special in my heart. 

We have a nationally recognized holiday that allows us to spend a whole day being thankful. When everything in your life seems to be falling down and you find yourself festering on the negatives, you are brought back to reality and forced to think about the things that you have to be thankful for. 

I will be the first to tell you that it is so easy to find something to gripe about. My dad is sick, both physically and mentally, and this is our first holiday with our parent's officially divorced. Things at home are rough and that's something that I used to always find myself getting down about. Yet, the past couple of weeks, an idea that was first presented at Bible study, has become the motto of my life.  

Live life with an attitude of gratitude. 

On the surface, it sounds so easy. I am grateful for food to eat, a place to live and a car to drive. But that wasn't gratitude- that was monotony. It is so easy to be happy and thankful for the easy things in life. It is extremely difficult and challenging to find joy and graciousness for the hard things in life. However, it is when you switch your life to a thought process of living with an attitude of gratitude and truly embodying that motto that you will find true and unrelenting joy. 

The thing is, you can't do it alone. 

You must rely on God and ask him to help you find the true purpose behind every valley that is in your life. He isn't going to tell you why you are going through each struggle, but He is going to show you that there is a lesson to be learned out of each of them. Rely on God and you will begin to find true joy in your life. There is a couple of verses that I always saturate myself with when I am asking God to open my eyes and I genuinely hope that you will begin to take them to heart. 

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.
Psalm 48:14 

Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up.
James 4:10 

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.
1 Peter 2:1 

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-12

Fall onto God and he will fulfill you. Try to live a life that is always forgiving and ever-cherishing. Remember that you can always clean up a mess but you can't clean up bad memories. Try to create good memories by taking each moment graciously. Laugh a little bit more, especially when you feel like crying. Find the good in everything. Live in today. Don't ever wish for a different tomorrow because it is today and today is okay. Be thankful for what you have today. Not what you want tomorrow. But in the end, pray to God. You will find the truest joy when you begin to rely on him. 

I urge you, please, live your life with an attitude of gratitude. 

Be Passionate. Be Humble. Be Knowledgeable.

Today I had the honor of attending the Inaugural Kentucky Hunger Dialogue. While I clearly learned a lot about the fight to end hunger on a global, national, and local level, I learned a whole lot more about what it means to be an influential person. 

The keynote speaker of the event was Colmon Elridge. He planted a seed in me that validated the goals that I have created for myself. I have never been so inspired yet cried so much within a 15 minute period. 

Colmon is a very respectable and inspiring man. While he spoke greatly about his personal story, he was very real with crowd. I am finding it very difficult to put into exact words the impact that Colmon had on me today. He got real. He spoke truthfully. And I related- not to every aspect of his story, but specific moments in his life brought up distinct memories of moments in mine. Moments in my life that I had yet to figure out how I could use to help others. But now I see it and I finally understand. 

My desire to help youth in the middle school age range stems from my past. It comes from a sixth grader, with a Staples box and bowl of crab and shrimp alfredo. While the explicit details of them is not important, it is important to focus on the age. In sixth grade, my life was changing along with the world around me. The moment when I was most vulnerable, I sought out a mentor, a teacher, a friend that I could look up to. I can't say that I found one. 

I say all this because it comes back to one main point that I pulled out from Colmon's speech: in whatever you are passionate about, do it humbly and without seeking honor. Do it all for a reason and know why. 

Be passionate: find something you care about and care about it whole-heartedly. I care about youth. I care about middle schoolers. I spend my time serving them especially through my time as their color guard instructor. I plan to spend my life serving them. 

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.  

Proverbs 20:5

Be humble and don't seek honor: do what you do because you are passionate. Don't let your drive be to win the vote of others or to be honored with the highest award. Be humble in all that you do. 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.   

Phillipians 2:3-4 

Be knowledgeable: do it all for a reason and know why. I want to help youth because I want to be that mentor, that role model, that friend that I once sought out. I want to help those who don't have someone to be there encouraging them. My goal is to impact the lives of youth. 

Let all that you do be done in love.  

1 Corinthians 16:14

Colmon said what I have always believed: change the world for somebody. You do not have to make a large, lasting impact that the whole world recognizes. Making life better for one person is a success. 

In whatever you, do it because you care. 

Be passionate. Be humble. Be knowledgeable. 


Thank you, Colmon. You are an inspiration to far more than you will ever realize. Thank you for reigniting my fire and helping to validate my passions. Thank you for using your bad for good. Your story will forever change the lives of others. Thank you. 

A Sandwich

Lately I have found myself questioning a lot of God's work in my family. Why is God doing all these things when I never asked for them? Why does God have me carrying a burden on my shoulders that no one else quite understands? How is it that I am having to analyze life or death when the rest of my friends are contemplating whether to go out to dinner or study a little bit more? At what point did I ask God for this and why does it keep continuing on? 

I have been faced with a lot of tough decisions in the past two months that I would never hope for someone to have to face. Even though the decisions are no longer being made, I am still battling the outcomes. Every night I question what my next steps should be to prepare or what other steps I can take to make the situation dissipate. 

I had a conversation with one of my dearest friends the other night and although it was brief, it was a great reminder that this is all out my hands. When I asked, "What do I do? What can I do?" my friend simply responded with "Pray." What he didn't know was that I had been avoiding prayer the past week or so because I was angry. I am definitely guilty of getting angry at God for not answering my prayers. I can't tell you the number of times that I have wanted to just quit. Sometimes I have, clearly. It feels easier to just not pray than to pray really hard and not get the outcome I want. I needed the reminder from my friend to keep going. That one simple word can mean so much but can also be forgotten in times of sorrow. But God doesn't want that for us. God wants us to pray diligently and listen with ears unclogged to hear every word that he has to speak to us. 


Reflecting on the past weeks and the lessons I have learned, I want to share two important points.

The first is that God knows the outcome of everything. 
The devotional I use had a passage in it the other night from 1 Peter that spoke on denying God, but that was not the point that stood out to me most. The moment that Peter remembers what God had said to him earlier in the day was the point that I realized that God already has my plan, regardless of what I want to believe. 

Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”Then seizing him, they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance. And when some there had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down with them. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said, “This man was with him.”But he denied it. “Woman, I don’t know him,” he said.A little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.”“Man, I am not!” Peter replied.About an hour later another asserted, “Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean.”Peter replied, “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.Luke 22:34, 54-62

Jesus knew that Peter was going to deny him, even though Peter disagreed. Yet, at the end of the day, Peter still denied Jesus three times. How bold to know that God can see the outcome of every situation.
When you find yourself wanting to predict the future, know that God already knows the outcome. Take comfort in knowing that you don't need to stress about what is going to happen because God has  already done that for you.


The second is that God may answer our prayers differently than we hoped.

A couple weeks ago I was teaching a cooking class at a local elementary school. To tie in an extra educational aspect, we doubled the recipe to allow the kids practice with multiplication skills. Since the group ranged from 3rd to 5th grade, some kids were not as confident at multiplying fractions as others. They were trying to figure out how to double a half a teaspoon. To put it into perspective, I used a piece of bread as an example. Using my hands, I pretend each one was a half a piece of bread. I asked them, "what do you get if you put a half a piece of bread with another half a piece of bread?" and then I used my hands to demonstrate the halves coming together. The answer I was looking for was a whole piece of bread, but one young boy very excitedly answered, "A SANDWICH!" We all got a great laugh out of it and they did all learn that two halves makes a whole, so doubling a half a teaspoon would make one whole teaspoon. Not to mention, I learned something else that afternoon. Kids are a great reminder that even if it is not your answer, it isn't wrong.

So even though God had not answered my prayers like I want him too, it doesn't mean that his answers are wrong. In fact, his answers are more than right. They are righteous. 


I have to continually remind myself that God has a greater plan that is out of my hands. When I find myself stressing about his plan, I am reminded that it is always right. 
God is always right. 

 

Loss for Words

I have known for a while that I've needed to write a post. There is so much that I feel like needs to be said, but I find myself at a loss for words when it comes to appropriately detailing the events of my life. Each moment is a story and an individual post in and of itself, but for most of the topics, I have yet to find the maturity and knowledge to write about them. Simply said- God is still scripting those aspects of my life and I am not quite sure how He wants me to use them to help others. What I do know is that every trial and hardship that I am facing is part of a much bigger plan that God has for me.

Through times of chaos and confusion, I often find myself with my nose in God's Word. Last night, that ended up being my True Images Bible from middle school- which is definitely geared towards middle schoolers. Even so, stories about the now simplistic issues that I faced during that time in my life are a big reminder that many things appear to be a bigger deal at the time than they actually are.

That lesson is something that I wish resounded with me more often than it currently does. If I was able to continually remind myself that all things would be okay, I truly believe I would be less stressed and not as overwhelmed. The issue with today's society, and especially with myself, is that it is so set on trying to specifically map every aspect of a plan. I continually struggle with trying to figure out what God's plan is for me instead of just letting it happen. I find myself trying to connect dots that don't even exist. This is something that I am regularly struggling with, but always working on.

The dots of this post sporadically come and go and I am struggling to make each piece of what God is telling me to write come together. As I first stared at this blank post, I picked up my secondary devotion and began to read todays devotional, which was oddly titled First Aid. The passage focused only on Psalms 147:3, although Psalms 147:3-5 resounded greatly with me.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. 
Psalms 147:3-5

Fittingly, the post read:

"If you need healing and comfort after bruises sustained in this world, allow God's tender, loving care to soothe your pain." -Cheri Cowell, 365 Devotions for Peace 

Which I believe I truly needed to hear tonight. Isn't it crazy how God places the perfect devotional in your life just when you need it the most? I was reminded that it is okay to be broken and feel lost at times because God's lap will always be there as a comforter.

"Through your tears, watch as He pulls out His first-aid kit; it contains all you need to experience comfort and feel at peace."-Cheri Cowell, 365 Devotions for Peace 

God will always be there, no matter how hard or how low we've fallen. The biggest thing that I think I have learned these past couple of weeks is that no matter how much I worry, it isn't going to change my situation. One of my favorite verses, Luke 12:25, has repeatedly been echoing in my head.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?
Luke 12:25

It speaks of such a great truth that I find myself always needing to remember. Worrying and stressing about my schoolwork and exams or about what is going on at home isn't going to make the situation any better. The best I can do is pray and ask God for comfort and solace in my times of need.

I have felt like when I need it the most, God places good reminders of how great of a life I have in my path, regardless of my current situation. In addition to His constant reminders that are found in His word, I have found great comfort in music. In the song Sparrows, Jason Gray sings two lines that always stand out to me:

You can't add a single day by worrying, you'll worry you're life away. Oh, don't worry your life away.

If He can hold the world, He can hold this moment.

Both of these lines in particular stand out to me as great reminders of God's grace. Through all things, God is there to hold us in our struggles.

So, while I may currently be struggling to find the right words to describe the hardships of my life, I am able to share that God is still here. He is still scripting my life in ways that I am unable to see and comprehend, but are meaningful nonetheless.

I recently told a great friend that I hear God most when I am blogging. Every line that I write flows straight from the lips of God. When I feel lost in my faith, I try to make the time to share my story. I have to say that this post was the hardest post I have written. Not because it was extremely personal or saddening, but because I was struggling to hear God talking to me. So thank you for allowing me to share with you all in a moment where I felt at a loss for words because my ears were blocked. Sometimes all it takes is some music, a candle, a devotional, a couple Bibles and quiet time with God to really hear what he wants to say.

IFAL: a life changing week

It is impossible to compose something that will magnify the beauty and power that was experienced this past week serving as a counselor for the Institute for Future Agricultural Leaders (IFAL).
I walked into camp with an extremely limited amount of knowledge about agriculture and I walked out with an understanding that I had imagined would've taken years for myself to develop. Every question that I had was answered with eagerness and excitement because of the passion that was possessed by every person I interacted with.

Additionally, the relationships and bonds that were formed this past week are insurmountable. Each individual has helped to mold me into a better person and for that I am beyond thankful. You never realize the impact that something so small can have on others until you are able to experience it for yourself.

Sunday started out with a brief counselor meeting that quickly developed into check-in for the campers. Familiar faces of siblings of friends and students from tours and other CAFE events blended evenly into the mix of unfamiliar and nervous faces. In a few short moments, students were given binders and room keys that would soon unlock a week of hardships, tears, laughs, memories, and life-long friendships.

The first moment my whole animal group, the Sea Dragons, was gathered together was a little frightening and extremely quiet. Little did I know that each of these 12 ladies and gentlemen would touch and enhance my life in wondrous ways. I spent endless hours watching these students overcome masses of struggles, whether it be conquering the high ropes course or talking to a new person or getting that last detail needed for discussion meet.

The Sea Dragons used Dragon Tales as our mantra and even went so far as finding a rock to deem as our dragon scale. That rock, hand-picked and signed by each student, was a signal of unification and development. For the first time, the Sea Dragons had something that tied each of them together and made them unique. Although our rock went missing on the third day and wasn't returned until the final day of camp, I was able to see a bond grow within the group much deeper than I ever imagined. All 12 campers searched tirelessly to find the inanimate object that developed the beginning of their friendships. In the end, we had a handful of false accusations and a plethora of good laughs.

My brief week at IFAL was nothing short of amazing. I watched a quiet and timid group of 12 Sea Dragons develop into strong, people-oriented, faithful leaders. Each of my 12 campers grew in ways that I would have never deemed possible. As a whole, 47 students grew into outstanding individuals this past week and I was so blessed to have had a hand in that growth. The future of agriculture is extremely bright because of these students. I wouldn't trade the short nights and sweaty days for anything in the world because without them, there wouldn't have been growth and development in youth.


As with all things, there is many thanks that need to be firmly given.

To the University of Kentucky- thank you. Your support, willingness and flexibility allowed a seamless and stress-free week.

To the parents and guardians of the 47 wonderful students from across Kentucky that I was blessed with the honor of working with- thank you. Your lives have molded each of these students into the amazing people that they are today. Each of them is talented, gifted and unique. They are well-behaved, polite and have an unwavering faith. Be proud of who they are and what they will accomplish.

To Kentucky Farm Bureau- thank you. You have created and developed a program that has allowed students from across Kentucky to not only showcase their talents and network with others, but to discover and enhance themselves. Without your funding and support, this program would not be- and its presence is vital to the future of agriculture.

To Jackson and Michael- thank you. You two are a perfect duo. You have worked long hours to give everything you have to a group of high-schoolers. The early mornings, late nights and tiny details did not go unnoticed. Your hard work, planning and preparation allowed for a perfect week.

To my wonderful counselors: Will, Jonathan, Anna and Rachel- thank you. Each of you worked hard to enhance and develop the lives of each student we had the opportunity of working with. Your guidance, constant support and friendship allowed for a smooth flowing, memorable week. You guys are amazing.

To the amazing 47 campers- thank you. Each and every one of you are phenomenal individuals with an amazing future ahead of you. Thank you for being an amazing group of students to work with. I have never seen such a large number of students be so supportive and encouraging of others. Be proud of the individual that you are and never forget where you came from. Amazing things are in store for your lives.

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Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. -Psalms 107:1

In every way and everywhere we accept this with all gratitude. -Acts 24:3

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -Matthew 6:21 

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Chosen

I always hear that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and everything that is happening is happening for a reason (Ecclesiastes 3:1-15, Romans 8:28), but I continually struggle to feel as if I am noticed by God. One thing that I am really working on is developing into a person who feels surrounded and loved by God at all times. I find that, for myself, the easiest way of trying to establish this is by making sure everyone I am in contact with feels as if they are surrounded and loved by God. You'll often find me sending verses to friends when they are having a rough week or reassuring the truth of Jeremiah 29:11 when I notice the doubts people are having. By spreading the love and message of God and his works, I am forcing myself to also see his wonders and power.

Still, I feel as if I am lacking God in my life.

I find that to mostly be because I am so focused on making sure others see the good of God, that I simply forget to let myself see it.

When I was doing my devotional the other night, John 15:1-13 was given as the reading. When I am completing my devotional I always make an effort to read an entire passage, so I found myself continuing my reading through verse 17, thus completing the Vine and the Branches. 

The Vine and the Branches

1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

         9“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17This is my command: Love each other.

The overall message of the devotional was that in order to change, we must allow Jesus to change our hearts. The message itself was impactful, but it was not what stood out the most to me. While majority of the verses in this passage were verses I already had highlighted in my Bible and I had read multiple times, I found that verse 16 stood blank. 
Why? I have no idea. 
Take a moment to read that verse again, maybe multiple times, like I did.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. -John 15:16

If you were able to catch what I caught: you were chosen. Even more so, we did not choose Jesus.
We were hand-picked by our Heavenly Father. He chose us to bear his fruit. In addition to that, He states that we will be bearing fruit that will last. It's something that I just can't get over. God chose me for a specific reason to fulfill specific roles and tasks in my time here on earth. 
How wonderful is that?
I feel so honored and cherished when I read that verse.
Whenever you are doubting God's presence in your life, be reminded that He chose you. You are in this world for a specific reason- one that was specifically chosen by God. It was not your choice, but rather he has handcrafted your life and your story so that you can be a mold to others. 

Feel loved. 

Feel cherished. 

Feel honored. 

God chose you. 

5 Years Ago

I remember my first year in high school not because of the dramatic shift from middle school, but rather the fact that my 16 year old sister was pregnant. I can't count the number of times that I was stopped in the hallway and asked about Alicia. Majority of the time, I didn't even know the people who poked and prodded at my personal life.
It's funny to me that the best little blessing in my life came after months of bullying in the school hallways. My life felt like a live version of MTV's popular 16 and Pregnant. To an extent, it was.

My note to you is simple. I want to say thank you to everyone who stopped me in the hallway and belittled my family. Thank you to everyone who whispered behind my back about the disgrace that my sister was. Thank you to every teacher that ever scolded the life I had. Thank you to every single parent that wouldn't let me hang out with their child because they thought that I was a bad influence. Without your shaming, I wouldn't be the person that I am today.
I can't tell you how much I have grown in the past five years since I have become an aunt. I have learned how to unconditionally love someone [SO much, t------hi------s much]. I have learned how to take the negatives in life and develop them into blessings and gifts. I have learned that it is your story that makes you unique, regardless of the impression it may give off.

Most importantly, I have learned how to cherish and be eternally grateful for every single person that has ever supported my family.
Thank you to the coaches that let me miss practice for the birth. Thank you to every friend that was still a friend. Thank you to every teacher that ever asked how my sister and the baby was doing.  Thank you to all my family up north, who unconditionally shower us southerns with love and grace.
I am forever grateful for each and every one of you.

The most important lesson I have learned since the birth of Alaina is that it is okay to be broken. In the midst of brokenness, God blessed my family with the sweetest child. One who loves no matter what and laughs at everything. There is no gift greater than life and I couldn't be more thankful that I get to share mine with Alaina.

When life feels like it is falling apart, God will provide the glue to keep it together. Alaina was that glue.

Five years ago, God blessed my family with the GREATEST blessing: little Alaina Summer. Happy fifth birthday, princess.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. -James 1:17

God's Plan is Greater

"Some of God’s greatest gifts come from Him saying no. Some of the greatest adventures come from God closing the door to what you planned.When God says no, He says yes to something even greater than you made in your 5 year plan." -Grace Valentine

DanceBlue 2016: Final Reveal
$1,631,067.49 FOR THE KIDS!

I always struggle to figure out where God is calling me to work. For the longest time, I believed it was as a pediatric oncologist. From the moment I first watched My Sister's Keeper, I felt called to fix kids like Kate Fitzgerald. I have seen that movie so many times, I can almost quote it word-for-word.
My Sister's Keeper is what first struck my interest in DanceBlue. DanceBlue is a year-long fundraising campaign that raises money to support the DanceBlue KY Children's Hospital Hematology Oncology Clinic and culminates in a 24 hour no sit, no sleep dance marathon.
I was and still am avidly involved in DanceBlue. Freshman year I had the honor of fundraising and dancing with the College of Agriculture, Food and Environment team. I knew I wanted to do more, so I decided to apply for the Family Relations committee, which would allow me the opportunity to volunteer in the clinic and directly serve the kids and their families. Unfortunately, I was not selected. With the competitiveness of Family Relations, I wasn't too bummed the first time I didn't get it. Instead I graciously took over the position as a team captain. In this position, I was able to be the direct link between my team and DanceBlue, helping facilitate fundraising and providing guidance, encouragement and support to the rest of the team.
As my second marathon came to a close, I still felt like I had more to give to this awesome organization. I decided to again apply for Family Relations in addition to Corporate (working with the community to gain sponsorships) and Morale (a group of high energy students that worked to promote DanceBlue in the community and serve roughly 40 students at the marathon as a leader). Trying again, this time for all three committees, I had high hopes. I remember thinking:

There is no way I can't get one of these committees. I am so passionate about DanceBlue and the kids. They'll find the perfect place for me on one of these committees. 

I couldn't have been farther from the truth.


When I finally built up the courage to tell someone about how devastated I was about not getting committee, I was in tears. I cried so hard. I remember talking with one of my greatest friends on the phone and telling her that it really was a wake-up call. It brought me back to my time in Arizona, when I realized I wasn't supposed to be a doctor. It brought me back to February, through my acceptance in the Coordinated Program, when God told me that dietetics truly was the path for me. I remember being so stressed about changing my major and switching my life plan. When I got my acceptance email, it was as if God was saying:

 I have placed you here for a reason. This is the path for you. 

Through my acceptance of God's plan, which deterred me from my plan of healing these children, I never looked at the big picture. I never analyzed how grave of an impact closing that door would be. I didn't think that God saying "no" to being a pediatric oncologist meant he would close the door for me to serve on committee for DanceBlue. Through pursuing committee on DanceBlue, I was telling myself that my plan was still much greater than God's. I was trying to pursue a path that God has continually told me was not for me. That was a hard realization for me. But it is all in His time. It was in that moment that my friend said what I needed to hear the most, "something big is coming for you." Sure, I am a planner. Ask anyone. However, I never thought about how God's plan would impact my future when things didn't go my way. I didn't stop to think about the positives that would develop out of such a devastating experience.

Serving on committee would require me to sacrifice my work with the middle school guard to pursue a position I had longed for since high school. I had come to terms with that, although devastated about it.
But God told me no.
I am still grasping that part.
For over 7 years I had plans to work with these sick children. To serve them. To be selfless towards them.
Still, God told me no.
I wanted so badly to have the opportunity to serve such a beautiful population of youth.
That's when it hit me.
I was the one wanting these things. Not God. 

I have learned throughout the years that I have a passion for youth. In particular, I have learned my love for middle schoolers. They are so impressionable: always looking for a role model and a leader. I love being able to be that for them.
I am not sure what is coming my way and I still have no clue what I want to do when I graduate.

In moments like these, I always lean back on Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

There is only one thing that I know and it is that I want to serve God through whatever I pursue in my future. 

A Year of Trying Faith

It has been exactly a year since I took dad to the emergency room. I remember the night so vividly. Dad woke me up around 10:30 and had me take Erica to mom's. We went to Central Baptist and were quickly admitted due to the high priority of chest pains. So began the tests. Hours went by and we were both restless. Around 3 in the morning, the doctor came in.

"So, I have some bad news. You have Congestive Heart Failure."

That's it. That's all I made it through. I could hardly make it out of my dad's room before the tears started. I walked straight into the bathroom, locked the door and I sobbed. I remember thinking, wow, this is it. 
I thought my dad was going to die that night. I was overcome with fear. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the amazing group of friends that I have now to call. I didn't want to call Grandma and Grandpa since I knew they would sleeping. I just wanted to have someone there to hold me while I cried, but I didn't. There was no one there with me to support me and tell me that everything was going to be okay.
As a last resort, I prayed. God started speaking to me that night and it was the first time in a really long time that I actually listened to him. Since middle school, I have been questioning God and His reasoning for everything in my life. Until that point, I felt like He failed me. Even at that point, I remember thinking why this and why me? Why do I need one more bad thing to happen to me? That's when he told me it wasn't about me. It was like He was yelling at me to look at the bigger picture. I was so focused on my circle and my dot that I failed to realize God's plan.
I wiped up my tears, texted my mom the diagnosis and went back to my dad's room. He, of course, asked where I went in which I let him know that I needed to use the restroom (I know he didn't believe me.)
The night drug on. I tried to stay awake with dad to keep him company. The doctors and nurses were in and out of the room. It was long and exhausting. Around 11 in the morning, we were finally transitioned to a room on the cardiovascular unit. Once dad got settled in, I went to his house to get my school stuff and then headed to my mom's to shower, rest and do some school work. I went back to the hospital in the evening to check up on things and get everything squared away.
For the most part, the rest of the day was very mellow and was a big stepping stone into what is now a normal life.
The rest of the week was a mess. I spent every free moment I had from class at the hospital. Between exams, interviews and birthdays, there wasn't a free moment in my life. We celebrated life in multiple ways that week. We celebrated the life of dad and at the same time we celebrated the birth of baby Walton. We celebrated the monumental 16th birthday of Hope. Although not ideal and while things were completely different than we would've liked, things were okay.
After dad was released from the hospital, things were completely different. I spent most of my days at his house, monitoring food intake, driving him to doctors appointments and making sure all his medicine was adequately filled. Since that week, dad has gone through a quadruple bypass surgery and has hit a stagnant point in his recovery. More or less, we are playing a waiting game. A diagnosis of congestive heart failure, small vessel disease, diabetic retinopathy, coronary artery disease...... and the list goes on, have made for an extremely trying year. There is always something and there will always be something.

Looking back at my growth over the past year is both overwhelming and gratifying. My life has taken a complete flip from how I had it planned. My linear path to success turned into a mess that I still haven't figured out. Somehow, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Without this past year, I would not have the relationship with Christ that I have to this day. Through dad's illness, I have spent a lot of time crying, praying, and reading the scripture. I was able to realize how loudly God was yelling at me to listen to him. I was finally able to realize that my path for my life was not God's path for my life and that His path is SO much greater.
I have gained some of the greatest friends, all of whom have supported me in my faith and have allowed me to grow, both emotionally and spiritually. I am continually thankful, humbled, and blessed for the amazing friendships that I have with them.
Dad's illness was a bump in the road. It still is. Every day that we get to spend with our dad is a blessing and there is no way of knowing how many more we will get. At times, it may be frustrating, overwhelming and cause insurmountable amounts of grief, but we are very thankful for his presence with us on earth.
God has allowed me to see outside of my comfort zone and has stretched me in a million different directions this past year. I never imagined that dad's illness would bring me so much closer to God, but I truly believe that without it, I would still be lost.

There is a handful of verses that I always find myself relying on when I feel overcome with grief and worry. Each of them is unique and valuable in its own way.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. John 16:20

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16:22

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33 

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:17

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10 

 And my most favorite of all:

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Luke 12:25