Life & Chocolate

Forrest Gump once sat on a bench in Chippewa Square. While the character is fictional and the bench is gone, the words that were spoken by him are long-lasting.

"My mama always said life was like a box chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

As I sat on a makeshift bench in the square holding only a box of tissues, I realized how this statement couldn't be closer to the truth. Almost indefinitely, things on the outside always look clean and perfect. But on the inside, you don't know what you're gonna find.

Think of it this way:
It's Wednesday. You are trying to get through a week that seems to be dragging on and on. You come home to a box of chocolates on the table. The thought of that box of chocolates brings about decadent joys and unexpected happiness. Maybe your box is purple with flowers on it or red with hearts, but whatever it is, it's your favorite color and pattern. It was gifted to you by someone who cares so much about you that they put careful detail into making sure it was exactly what you wanted. You sit at the table and open up the box. You notice that there is no flavor guide to be found, so you test your luck and go for the one that you are hoping is filled with caramel in the center. As you go in for that first bite, your mouth is watering and your tastebuds are jumping for joy. But then it hits you. You can't quite place the taste, but your senses are overwhelmed with raisins, rum and dark chocolate. Bitterness burns through your body. Even though you hoped with all your might that you were going to get that perfect caramel chocolate, you didn't. And even though you knew that it was testing your luck to take a bite into a mysterious piece, you did it anyways. Because hypothetically, you've had a rough day and there isn't anything else that could go wrong. Logically, you know that that couldn't be further from the truth, but your brain tricks you into believing that the bad, the yucky, the unfortunate are over.

So as I am sitting in Chippewa Square, holding only my box of tissues, I reflect on the words of Forrest Gump. Most importantly, I reflect on the weekend I've had and the unexpected twists and turns that it took. Then I reflect on my life. The piles of bad that have building and building that I have striven to find a blessing in have hit an all time high. And then I begin to think: my life is just like that box of chocolates that are so famously referred to. As a matter of fact, everyone has a life that is a box of chocolates. For some people, they are fortunate enough to bite into that decadent piece of caramel chocolate after a dreary day, but for many others, myself included, the bite is into bitterness.

I reflect on my Florida trip and I see it is a blessing. While I still don't understand why I was hours and miles away from my family, I know that I was surrounded by a completely different type of family. For me, it's kind of funny to look at how everything unfolded. I always knew I would be the one to find my dad or be the one sitting with him in the hospital room when he took his last breath or be the first one to know because I was the emergency contact. I knew that without a doubt. And I had a plan for each scenario. I knew exactly who I would call and in what order. I knew who was going to drive me if I was on campus or at home or the store. I knew how I would respond and everything that would be done. Except I wasn't the one to find him, Hope was. I wasn't the one there when he took his last breath, the angels were. I wasn't the first one to know, Erica and Alan were. I didn't call anyone to come pick me up and drive me anywhere. I didn't do anything on my list in any order that I had planned. And that is a God thing.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Instead, I looked down at my phone to numerous missed phone calls and texts and my gut knew. But my brain couldn't process. When I walked back into a room full of what was a handful of close friends and a plethora of strangers, I was greeted with open arms. No words were uttered out of my mouth. It was the people who truly knew my heart that read the expression on my face and knew. Yet, when I walked out of dinner that night, I gained a plethora of new family members.

When I got on an airplane that Friday morning, I was beyond excited to see my friends from Georgia. Everyone knew it. I ran to them with open arms when I saw them for the first time in months. My backpack slammed to the ground, my body sprinted and somewhere in between, my phone went down. I was filled with joy. At the beginning of my trip, my box of chocolates was full of caramel. In my mind, there was absolutely nothing that could take away each precious moment shared with my best friends. Dad was healthy, he was on the up. There was nothing to worry about. But that evening, when I went for a piece of chocolate, it was bitter. But it was bittersweet. Because those who surrounded me and prayed over me covered my sorrow-filled heart with a drizzle of caramel. And as the trip continued, they drizzled and drizzled and drizzled.
And by the last hours, as I was sitting on that makeshift bench with a box of tissues, I finally understood Forrest Gump.
I didn't go on that trip thinking I was going to get a piece of chocolate filled with raisins, rum and dark chocolate. I didn't think that cat-dog would contain a single member of my support system when it happened. I honestly thought that after the years of gross chocolates, my box was only full of good, even if only for a little bit. But the Lord always takes our plans and reminds us that He is in control.

I am so grateful for each person who drizzled caramel on my heart while I was in Florida. Because now that I look at my box, even though I don't know what I am going to get in its entirety when I pick up the next piece of chocolate, I know that I am going to get a drizzle of caramel with every piece. My box will never be pure and full of only caramel. No one's box ever will be. But maybe now, just maybe, we are truly on the up. While the grieving and healing are indescribable, the little joys are not.

I can't explain in words how much it means to me that I am being covered, not only by the good Lord, but my family and even more so, my friends. This year started in a way that I would have never imagined, but it is only the beginning.

I am a new person; each of us are new people after my dad's passing. But the new me is a jar full of hope and a bottle of caramel. I strive to pour into other's boxes of chocolates as they have poured into mine. There is absolutely no way of knowing what you are going to bite into, but know that I have drizzled a little bit of caramel on the tops of each piece in your box so that in the bad, the ugly, the unexplainable, there is some sweet, some happiness, some joy.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her! Luke 1:45 

So do not fear, of I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Phillipians 4:11 

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Luke 12:25

A Loss for Words

Right now, it's 1 in the morning and I am sitting in the hallway of a hotel in Florida. My awesome college has afforded me the opportunity to attend a wonderful leadership conference down here in the deep south. I am thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people at such a hard time.
Earlier this evening we went to a dinner sponsored by Dow. I flipped my phone over and vowed not to look at it for the evening. When dinner finished, I flipped my phone over to a screen full of missed calls from every one of my siblings and my mom. Before I even returned a call, I knew what had happened.
Dad had passed.
It's funny how we have a gut feeling like that.
It's not funny when it's true.

I walked down the stairs and immediately asked Hope the question. As she was answering, I wandered back up the stairs and found myself standing in the middle of a room full of some of my best friends and tons of strangers. It took eye contact with only one of my friends for each of them to know what had happened. I heaved and they stood up from the table and embraced me. I ventured right back down those steps and sat on a bench. A lady I was yet to meet, sat down and prayed with me. The Lord will be with me through it all.

I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life that are constantly embracing me and my struggles. They take my burdens without complaint and help carry a portion so I don't have to bear as much.

The thing is, I still can't believe it.

I am so glad that my dad is no longer struggling. He is free. I know it will be okay. The Lord will guide and protect us every step of the way. I need to find contentment in the situation. I will find contentment.

For those who may be wondering, I have decided to stay for the remainder of my conference. Going home won't bring my dad back, it would just take me away from this fantastic opportunity. He would want me to stay.

So, as I am sitting in this hallway, I have tons of room numbers I could easily go knock on and tons of phone numbers I could simply call. But I have decided to spend some alone time with the Lord. This is part of His plan and I may not understand it, but it is what it is.


For those of you wondering how you can help our family, we don't need casseroles or gift cards, we need prayers. Prayers for strength and healing and power to overcome. Each one of us is struggling. But we will overcome.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.

A Year at Large

2016 was quite a year. A year full of tears and a year full of heartbreak and struggle. Despite all of the nasty, terrible things that happened, the Lord was sovereign through it all. He brought phenomenal people into my life that I have leaned on every single day. When I thought the days were bad and there was no sight of joy, the Lord blessed me with a new friend. Even as I am facing some of what I hope to be the toughest days of my years, I smile now more than ever. The people in my life make me smile. I am eternally grateful for each and every individual that has crossed my path. I am forever blessed because my heart has been touched by these individuals. There is no words that will ever  quite adequately summarize this year. Instead, I think it will be easiest to reflect back on each month as a moment. 

January:
I went to Arizona for my first Ambassador Leadership Summit. I was able to see the Grand Canyon, taste In-N-Out, and get the perfect cacti picture. I met my soul sister, Sarah Jane, from the University of Georgia.

February:
I went to the National Farm Machinery show as a representative of the College of Agriculture, Food and Environment. Instead of teaching others about our university, I was taught by others the specific details and small things that makes the farming industry so successful.
I danced in my second DanceBlue marathon. I was able to stand united with nearly a thousand students from my university to take a stand against pediatric cancer.

March:

I pretended to be Ron and his chili won the cook-off.... Probably because I convinced everyone it was delicious, even though I never tried it.
I celebrated my 20th birthday.
My sweet, beautiful middle schoolers placed 3rd at championships. They were a fun and silly group.
My ninja turtle, bad guy lovin' stud of a nephew, Preston, turned 3. Love that little boy.
I celebrated Easter in my old church and got to see my beautiful friend, Abby.

April:
Ag Awareness Day 2016 was a smashing success. It brought me sweetly closer to my dear friend, Elizabeth.
I got to speak in front of hundreds of students at Ag Field Day. 
I got really close to my organic chemistry excel class. My beautiful friend Alyssa and I will be roomies in the fall.
My darling nephew, Walton, turned 1.
My gorgeous sister, Hope, went to prom and celebrated her 17th birthday.
I presented my research at the UK Showcase of Undergraduate Scholars.

May:
I attended the Ag Ambassadors banquet. We celebrated a fantastic year of service, said goodbye to our graduating seniors and hello to our new ambassadors.
My sunshine Alaina turned 5. It has been a wonder watching her learn and grow. 
I celebrated the beautiful graduate, Katie. 

June:
I cried at Erica's softball banquet. She has grown and matured into an astounding young lady. I am so proud of her. 
My parents filed for divorce. 
I got to be a camp counselor for the Institute of Future Agricultural Leaders. I will forever cherish the memories made. I can't wait to see the amazing things that these kids do when they graduate this year. I got to meet Super Saver, a Derby winner, and have a baby cow suck on my hand. I scaled a high ropes course and screamed on the free fall down. 
My beautiful Alicia turned 23. 
I went to Maryland. I held a live crab & then ate him. I had an ultimate sleepover part something. 

July:
I got to swim in the bay for the first time. 
I went to Assateague and swam with the ponies.
I celebrated the 4th of July at Mom-mom's and earned my nickname, "Mommy Sarah." 
We got poured on at the carnival. 
We woke up at 5am and went out on the boat with Pop-pop two days in a row. I found my first arrowhead!! The boat trailer broke. We spent a couple hours on the side of the road fixing it. 
I went to Hershey and designed my own candy bar. I got pulled back into a secret taste testing with Erica. Turns out we helped design Hershey's new candy bar. 
Sweet Erica turned 15.
I hung out with my sweet little cousins and spent two weeks at the beach doing nothing but relaxing.  

August:
I attended peer mentor training at Adventure Life Camp. It poured, but we rock climbed and zip-lined anyways. 
My dad tried to take his life. 
I learned the hardships of the psychiatric ward. 
I moved out and into my first apartment. 
I went to ambassador retreat and kept trying to get across the dirt on the rope. I fell down every single time. We laughed so hard. 
I became the greatest of friends with Sara. Sara(h) squared became a thing. 
I went to the Lexington Preview Night. I tried to persuade Hope to SeeBlue. 
I went to the Louisville Preview Night. We got poured on every time we got out of the car. I learned that the feed store is a restaurant with phenomenal barbecue. 

September:
We went to the Pikeville Preview Night and climbed into a fake bear exposure. We snapped a picture with a honey bear. 
I learned that kids think differently at a cooking class. Two halves may make a whole, but they also make a sandwich. 
I showed up to my mom's for dinner. It turns out we were wearing the exact same outfit. 

October:
I went to a pop-up Luke's Diner. My life was complete. 
My parents' divorce became official. 
Ag RoundUp 2016 was a smashing success. We had tons of fun, even though we were hungry and had to wait forever to eat.
I went to National FFA Convention in Indianapolis. I got to see SARAH JANE!!! She introduced me to another one of my dear friends, Jordan. The Sara(h) Squad became a thing. My heart was full and happy as I was surrounded by all of my friends on the most stressful day of the year.
My dad had his first ETC. He didn't remember much, like where the state of Indiana was. 
I went to Wallace Station with my sweet Sara. It was delicious and a much needed girl day. 
I was initiated into Gamma Sigma Delta, the College of Ag honor society. 
I went to a bonfire with the rest of the coordinated program and had a blast. I carved an awful pumpkin and lost the competition. 

November:
I gave my sweet Alaina and Preston their quilts that I worked on all summer. 
I got to meet Colmon Eldridge: what a phenomenally inspiring man.
I went to the scholarship banquet for the college. I didn't get to meet my donor, but met some other phenomenal donors. 
I threw on an apron and mashed some potatoes for Thanksgiving. 

December:
I made some pancakes, FTK. 
I made my first fire.... Then set off the fire alarm. 
Celebrated Sara feelin' 22! 
I attended the ambassador Holiday party with my darling Elizabeth. 
I went to graduation and celebrated darling Elizabeth being the student speaker. I loved seeing her and Madison celebrate a monumental accomplishment. 
I took a couple trips up to Maryland for the holiday season. I got to be "Mommy Sarah" again. 
Big bro Christian turned 26. Wow. 
W celebrated Christmas in style with our matching Christmas pajamas. 
We spent New Years Eve at my Aunt Kelly's house. I got to bathe sweet Annalynne. Finished the year off watching the ball drop surrounded by many parts of my sweet, sweet family. 

Oh what a blessed year. 

Thank the Lord. 

He is good.